Coping With Pressure To Wean off Breastfeeding - It's Common
Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could nurture our children without having to worry about disapproval and criticism from other people? Sadly, most nursing relationships end before their time because of outside pressure and unsolicited advice. Children would certainly be allowed to nurse as long as they want if parents were able to live on an island!
It is natural to care about what other people think, and to doubt one's choices in life, especially when the critic is a close relative, friend, or health care professional. Rare is the breastfeeding mother in any given society who never encounters this type of unfair attack.
How To Deal With The Intellectual
You can choose to inform a critic who values the marvels of modern medicine by citing The American Academy of Pediatrics' findings on the benefits of breastfeeding into a child's second year or beyond, for both mother and child, to avoid risks of cancer, obesity, etc.
You can begin by using a confident tone of voice and say, "I'm glad that you care so much about the baby. I've thoroughly researched the topic and feel comfortable with my decision. I'd be glad to share what I have learned with you."
Joke Your Way Out of Breastfeeding Criticism
You can even use a bit of humor or sarcasm to deal with your critic. If your father-in-law says, "How long are you going to keep that up?" you can jokingly respond with, "Definitely until he goes off to college." Or, "At least for the next five minutes."
If someone says, "You're still nursing?" You can say, "No, I actually weaned years ago. But Julie still is!" Or, "Yikes, I hadn't noticed!" Or, "Gosh, I must be doing something terrible. Look at how miserable he is!" And with that, your critic will notice how happy, content, and healthy your child is, and should back off.
Be Gentle Not Defensive
At times, what comes across as disapproval is actually just simple curiosity or surprise. Many people do not ever see breastfeeding, and when they encounter a nursing situation for the first time, they react with initial shock, may put their feet in their mouths, but are genuinly curious to learn more about it.
If a mother has encountered disapproval in the past, she may react to this curiosity with defensiveness, not realizing that they have an opportunity to talk about nursing with an open-minded individual. Of course, it should not be our job to educate everyone in the world, but if you are in the mood to talk, then by all means, spread the joy of breastfeeding!
Be Open To Discussion
Your mom/friend/in-law says, "Shouldn't Bobby have weaned by now? He's eighteen months old!" To which you could say something like, "Well (my spouse) and I have discussed weaning, and have a plan in place. We have eliminated his late morning feeding, since he enjoys his morning snack so much. However, Bobby and I still enjoy nursing so much so it is our decision to continue until we wish to stop completely."
As the discussion continues, you can say, "You've made some valid and interesting points. I really have a lot to think about now. But for now, let's just agree to disagree." Or, "I'm glad that weaning Julie at 9 months worked out well for your family. However, every baby is different, and your support really means alot to me. I'd like some time to think about what you just said. So can we please talk about something else now?"
By remaining open-minded to their opinions, you will show them that you are interested in their point of view, accept the way they raise their kids, and wish they would respect your choices too.
The Persistent Critic
If the critic is really persistent and insists that nursing is obsene, then you can firmly end it by saying, "Just like I don't like discussing politics or religion with certain people, it's obvious that we should not talk about this topic. This is a personal decision, and I'd never try to impose my viewpoints on someone else."
You can leave the room for ten minutes, or your spouse can help by insisting they go outside to look at the car or the new deck or whatever, leaving you to breastfeed in peace. Worst case scenario? You cut your holiday at your in-laws' short and go back home! Next time, they will know better and back off if they want to spend time with their grandchild.
Consider the source
A person that has always believed that babies are best fed with formula or is wary of physical closeness and intimacy is not going to accept breastfeeding. You are not going to be able to convince this person that you are raising your child right, and it's not your responsibility, either.
But it is your right to feed your child and to keep him happy and safe from harm. You have the right to surround yourself with people who accept breastfeeding, so if you have to ultimately cut someone out of your life because they ignore your pleas for tolerance and persistently criticize your parenting choices, then you may not suffer such a loss.
...page..."You look so tired; why don't you let me feed him a bottle so you can get some rest." "Cover yourself up!" "You know, you're just coddling him, he's never going to be able to fall asleep on his own."
Comments such as these can be harmful to your self-esteem as a mother, and even more inappropriate when said in the presence of your nursing child, who can hear every word from this person horrified at the obsenity of breastfeeding! And here are tips on how to deal with criticism from your husband.
Remind Strangers About The Law
Legally, a woman has the right to breastfeed her child wherever she is otherwise authorized to be. In the United States, many states have passed additional legislation protecting a woman's right to breastfeed. But still, some people think they are in the right to ban breastfeeding mothers and their children.
I read about these cases several times a year, of breastfeeding families being thrown out of malls, restaurants, swimming pool areas, public beaches, and airports. Stand up for your rights! Threaten to sue, if you have to. Some mothers carry around a copy of the legislation in their purse, to arm themselves if needed.
Avoiding Criticism In The First Place
There are some things that you can do to avoid criticism altogether. If you know that you will soon enter a situation where the threat of criticism is high, practice what you want to say, your facial expressions, and tone of voice in a mirror or with a friend/your spouse.
Remain confident, happy, positive, and assertive without taking on a high-pitched or aggressive tone. Believe in yourself! Also remember that sometimes the only thing that you can do is to ignore dissaproving glances, or to simply smile and be proud of your healthy baby.
Practice discreet nursing in front of a mirror. Get used to your nursing bra, using one hand to click it open and closed, and wear double-layered nursing tops. Avoid bras with difficult clasps or snaps. Keep in mind that too much bare skin can make a brand new grandfather feel really uneasy, even if he is your own dad.
And finally, be selective to whom you express your doubts and discomforts about nursing. You'll only be opening the door to criticism if you share your agony over sore nipples to someone that you know will pressure you to wean. Save that topic for your friends who support nursing, call a La Leche League leader or Lactation Consultant.
What If Your Husband Disapproves Of Nursing?
Tackling criticism is easier when you and your partner are a united front, even when it's coming from your parents. But some fathers are vehemently opposed to breastfeeding, like if they agreed in the beginning that breastfeeding would be good up to a certain age...but the nursing continued past six months or a year, then a marital problem erupted.
The breastfeeding mother cannot imagine putting a stop to the cure-all that is nursing, but the father wishes that he could have primary access to his wife again.
Communicate Openly About Breastfeeding
The best thing to do is what is best in all cases of marital disputes: listen to your husband thoughtfully, care about what he is feeling, and attempt to work something out to make everyone in your home happy.
Make sure that your husband knows that you understand he loves your child just as much as you do, and that you are not taking his criticism as a personal attack on you (even if he is coming on really strong). If you get mad and yell at him, you're only going to make things worse!
Give Him What He Wants
Perhaps you have not been giving your partner enough attention. It's common for mothers to focus on their babies, and to be too tired for hanky panky. But seriously, you should go the extra mile and meet him in the other room after baby is fast asleep. Or accept the offer from a reliable babysitter, and rent a jacuzzi room at the hotel down the street, even for only three hours! You'll be indulging yourself as well as your husband's needs.
Be Careful What You Wish For
Think about the things you've been saying about breastfeeding to your husband. Nursing is not always joyful bliss; sometimes it's uncomfortable, and it's only natural to need to vent, and he's your closest friend.
Do you frequently complain about nursing to him? Have you had yet another bout of mastitis or thrush, and you just can't stand it anymore? Men are famous for being problem solvers and for not wanting to see their beloved in pain.
No wonder he wants you to wean, if all he hears are complaints about breastfeeding. Take the time to tell him why you love nursing; write your reasons down on paper beforehand.
Appeal To His Intellectual Side
Suggest to your husband to read some books that describe the father in a breastfeeding family. William and Martha Sears wrote some great books that help lots of parents adjust to their roles, The Baby Book, and Becoming A Father. Here are the links to buy those books:
The Baby Book:
http://www.amazon.com/Baby-Book-William-Sears/dp/000719823X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1505725-5505548?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181421087&sr=1-1
Becoming A Father:
http://www.amazon.com/Becoming-Father-Nurture-William-Growing/dp/0912500964/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1505725-5505548?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181421211&sr=1-1
The Sears' book Nighttime Parenting also gives some insight into the father's role in the breastfeeding relationship. You can buy Nighttime Parenting here:
http://www.amazon.com/Nighttime-Parenting-Your-Child-Sleep/dp/0452281482/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1505725-5505548?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181420926&sr=1-1
Norma Jane Bumgarner wrote a great book called Mothering Your Nursing Toddler, that includes not only the benefits of extended nursing, but also a chapter called "Fathering The Nursing Toddler." Here's the link to buy Mothering Your Nursing Toddler:
http://www.amazon.com/Mothering-Nursing-Toddler-Norma-Bumgarner/dp/0912500522/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/104-1505725-5505548?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1181420628&sr=8-1
Give your husband time to come around. Hopefully you two will find your way back to agreeing about what is best for your child.
Please share your personal stories about criticism (and how you've dealt with it) by clicking "add comments" below to add a message. Thank you!
