Growth is a process, not a final outcome. When parenting teens, parents must learn the skills of spotting.
A writer, identified only as “LL,” wrote in “Spotting and Pushing Gymnasts,"
[t]here is no one specific time… to stop spotting a gymnast, it is completely situation dependent ….when trying to decide when to step away from spotting… coming to the point that you are only standing there more for the gymnast's confidence rather than the spot itself. When you can stand there and just follow the gymnast and not have to help her through the move that is when it is time to step away. I would definitely not back away from spotting too early because this could either injure the gymnast or result in a loss of confidence….It is a fact of gymnastics that coaches must step away at some point. Gymnasts should be internally motivated to improve, but you can push them in many ways: rewards/incentives, tough love, or give them small goals that they can attain. (http://en.allexperts.com/q/Gymnastics-2245/Spotting-pushing-gymnasts.htm) The same sanctions apply to parenting adolescents.
Youths fluctuate between childish behaviors and mature undertakings. Sometimes they need lots of direct feedback. Sometimes they need only to be witnessed. Their growth is a process, not a final outcome.
As a friend recently reminded me, teens, like people of all ages, are conflicted by dissonant internal scripts. Moreso than most age groups, teens are beleaguered by warring behavioral prescriptions. Peer groups and mass media tend to supplement or supplant familial direction, in their minds. Even the best intended teens will test boundaries and, in fact, have to do so, in order to grow up.
Yet, there are tests and there are tests. Wearing a slightly shorter skirt or a pair of slightly longer earrings is different than joining a prohibited social network or using “colorful” language when addressing parents. It is easier to welcome rebellion that consists of a son’s “too short” hair cut than it is to welcome rebellion that consists of reading certain types of prohibited novels.
Regardless, as parents, we are obliged to reinforce, in our teens, desirable social qualities, such as accountability. Honesty and trust are values to which we want our children to aspire. However, we can not focus all of our family dynamics on “abiding by authority;” as parents, we also need to help our teens feel secure at home and within themselves.
For example, recently, when talking to another mom, I discovered that one of my not-yet-adult family members was doing something that my family explicitly forbids. My husband and I confronted that teen and gave that child the responsibility of setting the consequences for the behavior. We concurrently explained to our child that trust is a very precious commodity, which, once broken, can not be restored dispassionately.
That child quickly owned the behavior, presenting us with no rebuttal. In the days that followed, that child, who takes pride in being appropriate, was uncharacteristically glum. Nonetheless, that child has yet to be forthcoming with a penalty.
The span of time, which that child asked for in order to mull over the issue, has passed. My husband and I will have to revisit the situation with our child, reminding our offspring that eventually teens do become young adults and as such do have to take responsibility for themselves and for their roles within society. Eventually teens have to grow into assertive, rather than dishonest, ways of backing their actions. Until then, we will have to spot.
