When a baby has been admitted to the NICU, family and friends can fear saying or doing the wrong thing so much that they don't do or say anything at all; this is not helpful for a NICU parents who could use support during a difficult time.
Discover some helpful suggestions of what to say and what to do for the parents when a baby gets admitted to the NICU from a parent who's been in the NICU and has also offered advice to other NICU Parents and others facing challenging times.
What can I *say* to a NICU Parent?
People often fear so much saying the wrong thing that they often don't say anything at all. A grieving parent would like to know that family and friends are there to support them during this difficult time of loss. Some of my personal favorites include:
I am sorry for your loss.
I wish you didn't have to experience this.
I am sorry that this happened to you.
I am thinking of you during this difficult time. (usually written)
I'm so sorry.
I wish this hadn't happened to you.
I wish things had turned out better for you.
I wish the news had been different.
Say Something to Show Your Support
Pick one of these various suggestions, or modify one so it feels more like something you would say. If finding something to say still doesn't seem to work, then you can let the person know verbally or in writing that you are there for them.
I think that most of the time words spoken from the heart even if they don't feel perfect will generally be remembered as heart-felt support.
Offers to Help
You may also wish to ask:
What can I do for you?
How can I help?
NICU parents are often in a state of shock, especially initially and have difficulty making simple decisions. Instead of asking what you can do, you may want to make specific offers e.g. picking up other children, bringing food, calling family members and then have the parents tell you if that is something they need.
What can I *do* for a NICU Parent?
Two very helpful things you can *do* to support a NICU parent are to listen and to just be.
Listening
One of the most important things you can *do* for a grieving NICU parent is to give him or her your presence. The ability to listen can be a great source of comfort. Listening communicates respect, caring and empathy.
Sometimes all a parent may needs is someone who will truly and emphatically listen to their NICU story. Really listening involves being present for the person, not interrupting and staying connected and focused on what he or she is saying.
Being
Simply sitting and listening to their NICU story, being a witness to their stress and anxiety can help provide invaluable support for a overwhelmed parent. Even just spending a few quiet moments in silence, holding a hand can be another very effective way to convey your support and caring.
Take Home
Remember that two of the greatest gifts you can give to a NICU parent are the gift of listening and the gift of your presence.
Do not underestimate the healing presence yourself and of really listening to someone who is going through a difficult experience.
Kirsti A. Dyer MD, MS, FT is a respected physician, an expert in life challenges, loss, grief and bereavement, professional health educator, professor, lecturer and author. She is also the Parent of a very healthy NICU Survivor.
Dr. Dyer created and has maintained Journey of Hearts, a website for anyone who has ever experienced a loss. She is the author of For Those Who Hold the Littlest Hands, an eBook written to provide information, encouragement and support for NICU parents.
When a baby has been admitted to the NICU, family and friends can fear saying or doing the wrong thing so much that they don't do or say anything at all; this is not helpful for a NICU parents who could use support during a difficult time. 
