Welcome to Motherhood: Becoming a Mother

Written by Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson, M.A.

Monday, 17 March 2008

What does it mean to be a mother? There is a tendency in our culture to think that once you give birth you are a mother. But since becoming a mother myself, I have learned that becoming a mother is a process, not an event. You give birth to a baby, but you become a mother. It takes experience, hard work, love, joy, and plenty of mistakes to become a mother. But even more importantly, it involves a shift in a woman’s sense of who she is now that she is a “mother.”

Every woman has within her the seed of her own mother identity that develops from her experiences with her own mother and other mothering figures in her life, as well as images of the good and bad mother in her culture. Your life experiences lead you to your initial ideas of what it means to be a mother. I also believe every woman has an “inner mother” that reflects her own maternal ideas and instincts.

It is your inner mother that contains your mother’s intuition, compels you to respond to your babies’ needs in your own unique way, and helps you create a maternal bond with your babies. Unfortunately, this inner mother is often underdeveloped in favor of idealistic (and unrealistic) images of the “supermom” or “glamourmom.” To fully develop your inner mother you must learn when to turn away from societal images, family expectations, and the well-meaning advice of others, and listen to your own maternal wisdom via your mother’s intuition. The more you do this, the stronger your inner mother will become and the more you will be able to develop your own unique style of mothering.

Of course, we do not want to “throw the baby out with the bathwater,” as it were, and ignore the advice and suggestions of others. It is important to draw on the wisdom and experience of other mothers, as well as the expertise of pediatric experts, especially if you have no maternal mentor of your own. The idea is to take the information and advice you receive and then check in with your mother’s intuition and make your own decisions based on what feels right for you and your baby. As they say in recovery programs, “Take what you need and leave the rest.” In this way, you allow your own maternal wisdom to develop.

Being a mother of twins adds a unique twist to this process. Not only are you a mom, you are a “twin mom.” A mom of twins must work a little harder to care for and respond to two unique babies, create a maternal bond with both babies at the same time, and adapt to her new social identity as a “mom of twins.” This is why twin mom clubs, such as Gemini Crickets, are so important. They allow new moms of twins to forge their new maternal identities while gaining support in learning how to nurture and raise their twins. The unique wisdom twin moms gain then allows them to help the “next generation” of new moms with twins.

Maternal wisdom is self-made, it cannot be taught. Many women have no idea what to do when they come face-to-face with their newborns for the very first time. But as the weeks and months go by, you will develop your own mother identity. Through the time-honored practice of trial and error, and a dash of experienced maternal and professional advice, you will learn how to trust in your own instincts and judgments. Ignore societal images of the “perfect mom” in favor of your own inner voice and you will develop your own unique maternal wisdom and become the mother you want to be. ☺

Cheryl is a SAHM of 3-year-old b/g twins. She writes in her “spare” time and is a contributor to the Silicon Valley Moms Blog , 50-something Moms Blog, and author of her own blog, New Mom Central. For more information on making the transition to motherhood, please visit her blog at http://newmomcentral.blogspot.com.