Romantic myths abound of what it feels like to become a mother for the very first time. The first months after the birth of a woman’s baby is often perceived as an eternally blissful period—a maternal symbiosis—in which a woman croons to her newborn while breastfeeding him each day and basks in the joy of being a mother. As a result, many women expect a fairy tale experience of the transition to motherhood. But the truth is that entering into motherhood is like entering into another culture. Most women have no idea what to do when they come face-to-face with their newborns for the very first time and are surprised to discover just how overwhelming and demanding becoming a mother can be. This is usually when culture shock sets in.
The definition of culture shock (www.wikipedia.org) is: “anxiety and feelings that occur when people have to operate within an entirely different cultural or social environment…[culture shock] grows out of the difficulties in assimilating the new culture, causing difficulty in knowing what is appropriate and what is not.” There are specific stages that occur when a person is experiencing culture shock. I have outlined these stages below.
Stage 1: Feels euphoric and pleased by all of the new things he or she is encountering.
Stage 2: Begins to experience communication difficulties, feelings of discontent, impatience, anger, sadness, and incompetence. The transition between the old methods and those of the new culture is difficult and takes time to complete. Strong feelings of dissatisfaction are often felt.
Stage 3: Begins to gain some understanding of the new culture. A new feeling of pleasure and sense of humor may be experienced. The person may begin to feel a certain psychological balance and may not feel as lost. He or she may begin to have a sense of direction. They become more familiar with the environment and want to belong. An evaluation of the old ways versus the new ways occurs.
Stage 4: The person realizes that the new culture has both good and bad things to offer and experiences more solid feelings of belonging. Begins to define himself according to the new culture and sets future goals.
Stage 5: “Re-entry Shock” occurs when a return to the old culture is made. One may find that things are no longer the same, i.e. customs between the two cultures do not overlap.
The symptoms of culture shock that are often experienced when someone takes up residence in a new country are surprisingly similar to the experience of many women when they become mothers for the very first time. For example, they must learn to communicate with, and develop a relationship with, someone who speaks a foreign language (e.g. crying) and who has habits and customs that are completely foreign (e.g. eating and sleep schedules, colic, breastfeeding issues, etc.). But it isn’t just the needs and behavior of her newborn that a woman must adjust to when she becomes a mother, it is the motherhood culture.
The culture of motherhood consists of different societal expectations and norms (e.g. "perfect mother" expectation, what can and can't be said in front of other mothers, etc.), different clothing to wear (e.g. nursing bras), and a different vocabulary (e.g “playgroup,” “kiddie park,” etc.). If a woman has help, such as an interpreter (e.g. maternal mentor) or emissary (e.g. doula) to this culture, she will learn the customs, habits, and language more quickly and experience less culture shock. However, if she is suddenly immersed into it with little or no help she will experience more culture shock. Also, if she chooses to leave work to be a stay-at-home mother (SAHM), she will experience culture shock more acutely since she will no longer have a job to make her feel like she is still herself and part of the bigger world.
It is important that women are prepared for how dramatically their lives will change after the birth of their first baby, especially if they choose to be SAHMs, so as to avoid the feeling of culture shock as much as possible. It is not possible to be fully prepared for all of the physical, mental, and emotional changes that accompany the transition to motherhood or the constantly changing needs of a newborn, but the more prepared they are the easier it will be for them.
They should be forewarned, for example, that their lives will no longer be about them, that they will be operating in a different time zone and will be sleep deprived and exhausted all the time, that their hormones and emotions will fluctuate so dramatically they will feel like they are on a perpetual roller coaster ride, that they will no longer feel like the same person they used to be (at least temporarily), that they will need to learn to function in a new “land” and adapt to the habits and customs of their newborn and the motherhood culture, and that their bodies will not feel (or look) the same, as they recover from the birth process and take on the physical demands of motherhood.
This is not meant to scare them but rather to give them a realistic idea of what to expect so that they can prepare for it ahead of time and “ride the wave” of this tumultuous period more easily.
Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson is a SAHM of 3-year-old boy/girl twins and lives in San Jose, CA with her husband. She is a freelance writer and is currently writing a book about the first three months postpartum following the birth of a woman’s first baby. For more information about the transition to motherhood, please visit her website http://newmomcentral.blogspot.com.
Copyright 2008, Cheryl M. Wenzel-Nelson
*No portion of this article may be reproduced in any format without the written consent of the author.
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