Changing My Identity

When a little girl grows up, no one prepares her for how many times her identity may change.  There's the obvious one: becoming someone's wife.  I call it “obvious” because of the name change possibility.  Most people correlate changing your name with changing your identity.  Some women think they can maintain their identity by maintaining their maiden name but that's not the case.  Whether you decide to take your spouse's name or not, your identity still changes.  If your identity changes when you get married, then it also changes if you get divorced. I believe the biggest identity change a woman goes through is the one when they become a Mother because from that day forward, their life is forever changed.

Until a Mother takes her last breath, she will always be a Mom, first and foremost, putting the well-being of her children before her own.  Someone without children can’t truly understand that statement.  I know I didn’t until I entered Motherhood.

My journey into changing my identity started in 2002 when I got married.  It didn’t hit me until I was called Mrs. Downie for the first time and thought that someone was referring to my mother-in-law until I realized that they were referring to me.  I always knew I would take my husband’s last name because I wanted to have the same last name as our future children; however, it was strange not to be called the same name that I had gone by for the previous 28 years. 

The later in life you marry, the harder it is to change your name.  Not only is it a name change, but now you are someone’s wife.  You can’t just come and go as you please anymore because someone expects you home at night. 

The next identity change came in 2004 when I became pregnant and gave birth to my son.  We tried to get pregnant so this was not a surprise but nothing prepared me for the emotions I would feel after becoming a Mom.  I truly felt the definition of the word commitment because I never felt so committed to something or someone before.  My Mom always told me that no matter what happens, your children are your blood, and so in my heart I knew that no matter what happened in my life, this is one identity change that was going to stick.  I can’t imagine living my life without the joy that I’ve experienced in becoming a Mom.

Then, in late 2006 and early 2007, my husband and I separated and later divorced.  My next identity change was to that of a divorced, single Mom.  This also pushed me back into the workforce full time so it was a big adjustment for me and my son because I worked part time since he was born.  This was the hardest identity change because I learned a lot about myself during this time. 

I even feel that I became a better Mother to my son and am a happier person overall.  Eventually, I started dating, which is very difficult as a single parent.  This also leads me to my next identity change.

In May 2009, I will be walking down the aisle for a second time.  I’ve met a wonderful man who loves both me and my son with all of his heart.  I feel I can finally give my son a stable family life that I failed to give him the first time.  However, I’ve had a hard time with the possibility of changing my name.  I kept my married name when I got divorced in order to have the same name as my son.  Now, if I take my fiancé’s name, my son and I will have different names.  So, I’ve decided to keep my married name and take my fiancé’s name.  I think it’s a fair compromise.

So if you’re having an identity crisis, know that you’re not alone.  You really are changing your identity every time you take on a new role in your life.  And somehow, people expect us women to just naturally be prepared for it.  I guess that’s why we are the stronger sex and it’s why we have had these roles handed to us in the first place. 

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lsmapp     |2008-08-27 00:41:02 Good luck in your upcoming marriage! Is your fiance okay with your name compromise? I think you are right that being a mom is the most major identity change we can experience - and it seems to evolve even further with every child. Take care!

SingleMama   |2008-08-29 12:54:29 Thanks for the comment. My fiance is ok with the name change and happy that I won't be hyphenating the two names. He wants me to be happy so that's why he's ok with it. I know what would make him happiest is adopting my son so we could all share the same last name but my ex is still in the picture (and I hope for my son's sake, he stays that way).

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