There are many types of moms nowadays. Work-at-home moms, homeschooling moms, military moms and one of the most common ones, stay-at-home moms. I fit none of those categories. Not even remotely. You could say I'm a long-distance mom. You could go on further to say I'm a not-at-home mom.
My dream at a very young age was to be a mommy. I pretended to be
pregnant by shoving bundled up clothing under my blouses, worked out
the logistics in my head on how to kidnap the cute kid in the store, I
even simulated giving birth (don't ask). Yup! I really wanted to be a
mommy.
My teenage years were spent collecting Peter Rabbit books, Dr. Seuss and
basically building a repertoire of 'kid things' for my future kids.
Yup! I really wanted to be a mommy.
The Universe Speaks
In the middle of my 'I want to be a mommy' phase I came across what looked to be a poetry book called "The Prophet", written by Khalil Gibran. There was one poem in particular that spoke to me. It was called "On Children". I was nine years old then.
I'm forty-four years old now. My son is nineteen and I've been away from home for seventeen years. That poem "On Children " saved my sanity! It was as if the Universe was telling me something. Giving me a hint for the future.
Real Mom vs. Fake Mom
The stigma of being a mom without really 'being a mom' had been haunting me for decades. Real moms would look at me in either two ways, usually showing a combination of emotions:
1. Disgust and sympathy
2. Sympathy and disgust
Most of the real moms that I came across, whether they meant to or not, made me feel that I was the lowest form of a mother any mother can be, given that title. I'd just as sooner strip myself of that title just to save face. But I didn't. How can one ever deny being a mother? I didn't fight back. How could I? I simply smiled, sighed, nodded, shrugged and slowly walked away with an imaginary tail between my legs.
I didn't mean to be a fake mom. Circumstances led to it. I was going through a separation a year after our second son had passed away. One day after work I did the routine thing of picking up my then two year old son Julian from the babysitter. When I got there, Mary told me that my husband had been there one hour earlier. It was the Wednesday before Holy Thursday. As much as I was surprised I didn't feel the need to worry. No arrangements were made for my husband to pick up Julian, but hey, he was Julian's father, so why not?
Can a Father Kidnap His Son?
I was lucky that our condo was in the same building as our babysitter's, Mary. By the time I got downstairs I found the front door to the condo open and when I went in, some of Julian's things were set by the hallway. My husband was there, clutching Julian. I had no time to react. He blurted out that he was taking Julian to his Mother's for the Easter Weekend. She had not seem him in a long while and he wanted Julian to spend time with his family.
Looking back on that situation, I remember feeling disturbed. At that time, there was no reason to think *kidnap*. It seemed perfectly normal for my husband to take our son away for the weekend to be with his family. What I didn't realize what that my husband and his family had a plan in place to permanently have custody of Julian.
When Easter Sunday came by, I gave my husband a call. My mother-in-law answered and told me he wasn't home. She told me that he took Julian to my husband's father's place for Easter Brunch. (My husband's parents were divorced).
Later that evening I called again and this time my sister-in-law answered and told me that Julian was going to sleep over at his grandfather's place.
Monday came and I called my husband at his office. He never returned my call. I called Monday evening and no answer (no one really had cell phones back then). I was starting to go frantic.
Tuesday evening came by and I left a message with my mother-in-law for my husband to please call me. I told her that Julian needs to come home now. She said she would. It was late Tuesday evening, I think it was just after 11pm. I called my husband and he answered. He sounded nonchalant.
I tried to be as calm and nice as possible. I asked him when he planned on bringing Julian home and the sentences that followed would ring through my mind like a really bad nightmare. Only thing is, I get the nightmares during the day, everyday for 17 years.
The nightmarish sentences were, " ... I've decided that Julian should stay with me. My Mom already made arrangements to work from home so she can take care of Julian and my sisters are going to help out. You work and have to send Julian to a babysitter, this way, Julian is with family. Listen ....... I lost one son and there's no way in hell I'm going to lose another one. If you don't like these arrangements then I suggest you get a lawyer because I'm going to fight for full custody and I'm not going to lose." - *click*.
Click, was the sound of the phone hanging up. I was desperate. I called back but all I got after 7 rings was my mother-in-law on the phone telling me how 'disrespectful' I was for calling so late and that her son had a 'long day at work and needed his rest', goodnight- *click*.
To this day, I hate the sound of the phone hanging up. I hate that *click*. Perhaps that's why I never answer the phone to begin with.
Healing the Wounds of Stigma
It's been 17 years now and I think I've managed to get over the major guilt, humility, pride and stigma that's associated with people that 'abandon' their children, so to speak.
The category of Long Distance Mom is a platform then, for anyone (not just mothers) to share common stories, heartaches, frustrations, seek advice, a comforting ear - anything that even remotely relates to being a parent that is not or has not been physically there for their children, most of the time.
I've been there, done that. No one was there to help me sort out my feelings and no one was there to help me come to grips with what was to ensue. I stumbled through the legal courts and managed to find my way through the haze and maze of the stigma of not having my child with me. I wish someone was there for me. Now, I am here for you.
Write to me, email me, call me. You don't have to suffer alone. Not anymore.
Oh, and by the way, thank goodness for the internet, I now have an online relationship with my son. We've been doing this mother-son-online thing for almost 5 years now and we happily have a home that we live together in, in Second Life. It may be virtual but for us, it's the next best thing to being there.
Shame on any other person that calls you a fake mom. Having a child and being a mom is not about being there 24-7 with your child. You're a mom 24-7, 365 days a year. No distance could ever change that. My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you have a good relationship with your son. You are a very strong woman.
Obviously, there is no way to make sense out of the things that have happened to us in the past. No matter how hard we try, it just ain't gonna happen.
All we have are the choices we make now, and it sounds like you have made a decision to leverage every & any opportunity to love your son.
Aronado, "All we have are the choices we make now ..." - that is so true. We only have the "now".
You want to know what the best thing (so far) my son said to me? It was this year too, on Mother's Day. He said, "Mom, I love you so much but I hate you at the same time. Sorry to tell you this on Mother's Day but that's how I feel right now and I wanted you to know that. Happy Mother's Day, Mom."
...and that is exactly how I would expect my son to feel towards me. I love the relationship we have because he tells me everything. We're actually going to do a blog together ....
TherapistMom, I probably needed you back then . I'm happy you're here now.
Just to set things straight. No one really called me a 'fake' mom. That was just my perception I suppose. Well, I also felt like one. I totally understand what you mean but I feel that the physically ability to have a child albeit a miracle is really the easy part. The REAL WORK comes after. Not being there for Julian after he was 2 year old ( I mean, reeeaallly being there. My husband was kind enough to let Julian stay with me every other weekend, sometimes. This was no court decree - it was just HIS LAW) was really a bummer. You can imagine what went through my heart and mind whenever I saw a child in public or on the T.V. Honestly, I don't know how I made it through. But if you must know, it was that poem by Khalil Gibran, "On Children". That poem rang through my mind all those years and that was pretty much what saved me. Strange.
Thank you for commenting. - df
Mom Types 
Having a child and being a mom is not about being there 24-7 with your child. You're a mom 24-7, 365 days a year. No distance could ever change that. My heart goes out to you and I'm glad you have a good relationship with your son. You are a very strong woman. 
I'll bet your son is proud to call you MOM.
...and that is exactly how I would expect my son to feel towards me. I love the relationship we have because he tells me everything. We're actually going to do a blog together ....
. I'm happy you're here now.
