Lonely. That was never a feeling I expected to feel when I chose to be a stay-at-home mom while finishing my senior year of college. Most people probably would think this is ironic (as do I). I am still a newlywed (I consider less than 2 years newlywed) and have a really handsome, terrific 9-month-old son. I realize this and am not unhappy with my life. Being a full-time student, full-time mother, and full-time wife is the path I chose and the path I adore.

Being 22 years old, many friends and others my age stay up past midnight, spontaneously go on weekend holidays, some party until they drop, and have numerous boyfriends (or girlfriends) within months. This care-free life is often interrupted only by classes and/or work. Even many of my married friends still live like that, minus the boyfriend part. It should be no surprise that my life is very different from that, but oddly enough, the end of my social life caught me off-guard.

On a hot July day, my son was born; when we brought him home, there were barbeques, going away parties, late summer nights. He was easily tote-able as he had to go where we went. As the school year began, things slowed down like they always do. I realized soon, however, that people were still getting together to hang out, minus us. I felt left out, unwanted.

Apparently, people assume that when you have a child, you are "busy." You are not consulted in this assumption, so life goes on as normal for everyone else as you are left wondering what happened to your friends. Naturally, we were busy bonding as a family and watching our son sit in his bouncer, but we really wanted to be around friends.

I had a really hard time when I started spending less and less time with my best friend, Charlene*. She was also a newlywed, and we had spent tons of time together just before Tristan was born. Life started to fly by as both of our families were looking for jobs and houses. We were looking to spread our wings after I graduated, while they were just looking to get out of the rut they were in.

Charlene and Mike* were trying to get pregnant, too. Unfortunately, instead of getting pregnant right away like many of our friends, they had unexplained infertility. While this was a major stress on their lives, it also put a major stress between Charlene and me. I tried really hard to be sensitive, but sometimes she just wanted to be left alone. I wasn't used to that; I was used to hanging out on weekends and evenings.

So I found myself alone with Tristan a lot. Any stay-at-home mom can tell you that when you're home with a baby, you may as well be alone. Yes, they are cute and you have to watch them like a hawk. However, conversations are out of the question unless you can understand what their babbles mean (if you can, please call me, I'd love to know).

Although I still struggle with being alone, I have found comfort. I joined a MOPS group (Mothers of Preschoolers) that met once a month. Not only did I meet some really lovely women, it was also a break. At our meetings, volunteers watched the babies. And as much as I love Tristan, I welcomed the conversation of adult women. Generally our conversations centered around our children, but these women spoke words besides "mama, dada, and dig dig."

I also made a few friends at church with kids. One family in particular has been especially inviting to Anthony, Tristan, and I. It's reassuring to have another mom who has gone through the trials of motherhood, and who will talk to you truthfully about her children.

One of the things I realized is that I usually play the male role in my friendships: the pursuer. I am the one who starts friendships, who sees women I want to be friends with and initiates conversation. That's really hard because I know that most women want to be pursued, and I'm no different. I want a friend who genuinely wants to be MY friend, someone who thinks I'm fun and would be a good friend.

Our church friends have helped in this aspect, but we may move soon. I know my friendships will be shaken by graduation and moving, but at least I have my husband and my son who genuinely like to be around me. I also share a relationship with Jesus Christ, and I know that He is always there to listen to me talk, cry, or vent.

Tips for battling loneliness:

· Stay connected to old friends. Call, email, or visit friends when possible.

· Have a variety of friends. Single girlfriends, newlyweds, mothers, even grandmothers.

· Be sure to find another mother to discuss parenting. Maybe start a play date group or find a local MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) chapter.

· Be content with alone time. This is a time of bonding with your child and spouse.

· Journal or blog. Write your feelings, whether privately or online.

If you, too, feel the need for genuine friendship, please consider it a legitimate need. Genesis 2:18 says, "The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for man to be alone." Although in this sense, most times this verse is about spouses, I believe that God intends it to be for other relationships. 1 Corinthians talks about the body of Christ and the body of the church. These are the relationships and the friendships that God intended for people. He intended us to lift one another up spiritually and emotionally.

Often in Psalms, David wrote about being lonely. In his loneliness, this man after God's own heart turned to his father. "Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely" (Psalm 25:16). "Look to my right and see; no one is concerned for me. I have no refuge; no one cares for my life" (Psalm 142:4). Like many others, David cried out to the Lord for help in battling his loneliness. He learned, as you and I need to, that God is the way, not only of salvation, but of communion. He says that where two or more meet, there He will be also. God wants to be with us and have a close relationship with us. It is up to us to choose such a path.

We must also realize that there is a time for everything under the sun. God intended there to be alone time. The purpose of such time can be for family, for work, for leisure, but also for prayer. Often when we feel alone, we feel like God is not listening. However, this is the time that He most wants us to come to Him. God instills times of loneliness so we will gravitate towards Him. We must remember that even Jesus went off for times of solitary which He spent in prayer.

When you are lonely, turn to God first. Ask what you should get out of your time of loneliness. Pray for patience and understanding during this time.

You should also find a friend with similar life experiences who is at the same life stage as you. It is helpful to battle times of loneliness before they turn to times of depression with a woman who understands your situation or can at least empathize.

Take care in knowing that the Lord is there when you are lonely. Know that this season, too, shall pass, and you will once again find yourself without a moment of quiet.

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mama926   | Author | 2008-05-06 20:25:06 Nice article! I can see how a baby that doesn't do what we do can seem boring or lonely, especially at the age you had your child. You were at an age where you're still in self discovery and freedom...a tough struggle when you're forced to watch over a litle helpless baby while everyone else is enjoying their freedom. Quietness/aloneness can be golden, we just have to perceive it that way. Those are the times when G-d whispers in our hearts. It's a time of change that takes place and if we accept it, we grow. A comical parent once told me "You'll ache for them to walk and talk, but once that happens, you'll ache for them to sit down and shut-up". Best of luck to your 'toddler' years! Feel free to read some of my articles regarding that. Maybe you'll find interesting nuggets of info!

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