I figured in two years, I would be.  The semester began.  Most of his close friends moved to their new college dorms.  He was fine with it.  He still had a few buddies who were local.  We started out with no issues. 

It was going to be a breeze.  Or so I thought.  Soon, I had to learn that this "going to college while still living at home” came with interesting dynamics. 

I didn’t realize that the sound of my voice was starting to sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to him.  His friends who were away were certainly singing the joys of being out from under the ball and chain (translation:  mom and dad). 

In my son’s case, the chain (dad) was doing just fine.  It was the ball with whom he had trouble … me … mom.  I had to learn to let go.  It was hard.  Very hard.  It took an entire semester before I finally “got it.” 

He would say “I’m a big boy now, and I can handle things.”  I thought I was letting him handle things completely on his own, but I wasn’t.  I was asking him things that I didn’t even ask him when he was in high school.  Things like “did you get all of your work done?”  “Have you finished that term paper?”  “How are your grades?” 

I had vowed, when my children reached junior high, that I would not help them do their work.  It was time for them to take responsibility for it themselves. 

What happened, then, when my son went to college?  Why did I treat him like he was in grade school?  I think it was a strong desire to help him succeed.  He was on his way to a new career, and I wanted to make sure he crossed every T and dotted every I. 

I became a helicopter parent … hovering over him and driving him crazy in the process.  I had to back off … way off.  I let him alone and life was good. 

Another dynamic, however, that was a much harder adjustment was the curfew issue.  If he was away at school, there would be no way that I would know when he was coming and when he was going.  Out of sight, out of mind.  But he was in sight, and he was in mind. 

We made the decision to allow him no curfew.  He could come and go as he pleased.  He could come in at any hour of the night.  I would lie on the couch and wait up for him.  It was the only way I could retain my sanity. 

Falling asleep on the couch was very different than falling asleep in bed.  Psychologically, that is!  I was still “waiting up” for him.   It was still very hard to let go. 

But what happened was truly wonderful.  Yes, there were nights when he’d be out until 3 a.m.  A couple of times, it was 4 a.m.  But those severely late nights were few and far between. 

He generally would roll in between 1 and 2 a.m.  It was bearable.  And much of the time, I didn’t even fall asleep!  It was all good.  For the most part.  There were still little lapses now and then on my part, but I truly got into the groove of treating him as if he was away.  It was only fair to him. 

He was not enjoying the college life like the rest of his friends.  He made a huge sacrifice.  I needed to be fair.  He didn’t abuse his freedom, either.  It has been two and a half years since he started college. 

He is still at home, but will be moving out in about a month.  He is continuing his studies by commuting.  He is ready to move out.  I am ready, too.  It is time.

Now I am in the throes of my second child’s decision to pursue community college studies the first two years!  Here we go again.  It has been a much harder adjustment because second child is a girl. 

Fortunately, I did not revert to helicopter parent status with her.  I learned well with my son.  And she, too, has the freedom to come and go.  But the late nights are harder.  I worry far more deeply when she is traveling home alone at 2 a.m. 

We have made a minor adjustment.  She has to text message me when she is on her way home.  She doesn’t mind.  She understands.  I think.  Actually, she will never understand until she becomes a parent.  Then it will all become crystal clear!It has been an interesting journey. 

Both kids have said that they don’t regret not going away.  They are content to be able to sleep in their own beds.  The dorm life wasn’t something in which they had interest.  I do know that they would have loved being among their peers with no balls nor chains in sight!  But this is the path they have chosen. 

The road has had bumps, certainly, but we have made adjustments to reach contentment at home.  If you have children who are considering the same path, it can be a rewarding one.  Sure, they don’t get the “college experience,” but after a couple of years, it becomes mighty insignificant as maturity settles in, and they really are focused on the years to come and their future success. 

There are pros and cons to every decision that we make in life.  With respect to the “go to college, but stay at home” decision, the pros are strong enough to outweigh the cons.  And our bank account didn’t suffer much at all!

Good luck in all of your parenting journeys!  It’s the hardest job we will ever love.  And it is the only job that doesn’t include a manual.  Thank God for friends and forums … they are the best sounding boards around!

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