Even the most well-behaved of children misbehave at times. It's not only natural, but totally developmentally appropriate. It's what we do with those moments that help them and us to grow. Time outs have become a popular and effective tool in our parenting toolbox. Why? I think, for most parents, it makes sense. Unfortunately, it isn't always easy to put into practice. Here are some of the building blocks to creating a successful time out.

The first step would be to decide if the behavior can be ignored. I know, it's a bit anticlimactic but, if it's a behavior that's annoying, the best step you can take is to ignore and not respond to it. Without your response, what makes talking in that high pitched noise, standing on his toys, or sticking the straw up her nose so much fun? However, if it's a dangerous, unsafe, or possibly damaging act, you must step in and do something.

Now that you know when to act, it's time to figure out where to act. Before it happens, you need to find a safe, calm place in your home, at grandma's or anywhere else you and your child hang out regularly. It needs to be free of distractions. Sending them to their room with a full toy box may not be the best choice, but is certainly useable if it is your only option. You should be able to keep your eye on the child while not giving them any stimulation. A chair in the corner, a spot on the bottom stair, or just a pad on the floor are all options to consider.

The child should know that the behavior is not acceptable. It's always best to give a warning first. In an authoritative voice, not loud, tell the child to stop and the reason. "Don't hit your brother. We don't want him to get hurt. If you do hit him, then you'll have to stop playing with your cars and sit in a time out."

So now your child pushes their sibling or throws a toy, what do you do? In this case, firstly, you would check on the other child. Once you determine that they are okay. Calmly tell the child what they did wrong and bring them or send them, depending on age, to your time out spot. Once your child is old enough to understand, they should be able to go themselves but we all know that at times, it's just not going to happen.

You should not be engaging the child during their time out. It's time for you both to calm down. No yelling, talking, or explaining. It's generally thought that 1 minute for each year of their life (after age 3) is enough so if your child is 4, a 4 minute time out is suitable. If they get up before the time is out, they need to go back and finish out their time. You know your child best. If 4 minutes alone is too much for them, then use your discretion on setting limits.

Once the child comes back, you can explain again and in more detail why they were sent to time out, and what behavior you would like to see next time. "If your brother takes your car away, just tell him no or ask me for help. If you hit, it means that he cries and you have to stop playing. That's no fun!"

There are a lot of situations in which time outs are appropriate. However, there are those children or situations where they wouldn't be suitable. Please use time outs with caution when using them with a highly anxious child. In some cases, it may be best to go into time out together. Remove yourself with your child and find an activity that will both calm the child and stop the unwanted behavior. You don't want to reward their previous behavior, but you also want to teach your child how to handle their emotions in an understanding way.

Time outs can be a lifesaver for parents. An alternative to headaches and scratchy throats from yelling and helps you to define what you want from your child. If you want to model calm behavior, time outs may be the best option for you. They may not have an immediate effect but with consistency and love, your child will begin to learn what you expect from their behavior.

Photo of clock, copyright Aggelos Fasoulis on stock.xchng

Christine Flynn trained as a school psychologist and is currently working from home and taming her two monkeys.

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