Today the leader of my daughter's Brownie troupe called to tell me she was pleased that Libby had come to her to tell her she wasn't going to be part of the group anymore. "It's important for girls to know what they want," she said. "And I'm glad Libby figured it out for herself."
Backing up a bit, Libby had talked to me before she quit. It was a warm and sunny spring day, and the leader told her she couldn't go out and play before the meeting started. If Libby couldn't follow the rules of the group, she'd need to quit. The leader told her they'd all go outside together after they'd done the meeting opening rituals.
Libby had been cooped up in school all day, so in her mind waiting just wasn't worth it. And while she put on a brave face and made it sound like it was the choice she wanted to make, I knew she'd say "yes" when I asked her later if she was sad to not be part of Brownies any more.
Truth be told, this leader is probably a little too rigid for my daughter. And it's probably best that she's not in the group anymore. After all, Libby's ADHD makes it hard for her to comply with meeting structures, especially after the end of a long day at school when her medication is no longer in effect.
But as the mother of a child with ADHD, I feel more than a little disappointed that this mother was so congratulatory about Libby's decision to quit. In weeding out Libby, the group lost an important bit of diversity. Yes, it's a challenge to have a child who doesn't want to follow the structure of the group. But who ever said that making a diverse group work is an easy task? Instead Libby learned to not take part where she didn't fit in. How many times of being weeded out, I wondered, will it take until she decides to stop joining anything where she isn't like everyone else?
I wish this mother had tried to figure out a way for Libby to stay involved. Instead she gave her an all-or-nothing choice. If the leader had been flexible and let Libby go and play first, I'm certain that we would still have a Brownie living in our house. Sure, groups need to have rules and standards to follow. But perhaps the reason so many groups become homogeneous, is that we create rules and standards that only a certain type of person can follow.
When my daughter was invited to join Brownies, the adults talked about our girls learning important lessons that would serve them well in adulthood. Libby learned an important adult lesson today all right, and she conducted herself with maturity and dignity, despite her sadness at giving up something she had once wanted to be a part of.
I just wish she lived in a world that allowed a first grader to have room to play after school, and that could accommodate different abilities to join in and participate. Libby was smart enough to figure out she didn't fit in. She quit because of wanting to play on a sunny day. But what I learned was an important lesson on how to destroy a culture of diversity in the name of rules and in the guise of self-empowerment.
awww- brownies is so much fun. maybe the lesson can be recovered by finding a group that meets in the evening. I'd hate to think her lasting impression of brownies was that it sucked.Why didn't the leader sya Yes, you can go play as soon as we do our opening circle, come on now...
Meeting after school is hard. I've led a troop for OMG 6 yrs now, and the yr we met after school was definitely the hardest.
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