Blended families are rarely free of the holiday season. No, I don't just mean Thanksgiving through Christmas - I'm talking about all those other days most families take for granted as being low-key, non-stressful events like Easter, Mother's Day, Memorial Day, Father's Day, 4th of July, etc.
When you share custody or visitation with an ex-partner, you must often find a workable solution for ALL of the holidays. It can really add to the stress of each holiday weekend when, in fact, it's supposed to be a time of relaxation, celebration and time together.
The details of my agreement with my ex-husband regarding our son is a bit of a nightmare. We had to attend mediation to determine the best possible schedule for both our son and our needs.
A quick snapshot of our year looks a bit like this: we would alternate having him on Christmas morning based on odd and even years. Most summer holidays fall to whomever the child happens to be with that weekend, but Monday holidays (Labor & Memorial Days), the parent who does not have him is able to get him starting at 2pm.
My son's birthday is to be spent with the parent whom he is with at the time, but the non-visiting parent is to get him by 4 pm that day for 5 hours if feasible. And on and on it goes - spelled out to the most minute detail to avoid any arguments.
With my husband's child, it is much simpler. There are no written agreements regarding the holidays, so we stick to the set schedule without deviation except for Christmas (she gets him at 2 p.m. Christmas day until 7 p.m. the day after if it works for her schedule) and Thanksgiving (she gets him the night before and we get him back at 2 p.m. on Thanksgiving Day).
His mother missed seeing her child on his birthday 5 years in a row. She also misses out on seeing him for Halloween, all the Monday holidays, her own birthday, etc. Unfortunately, we don't get to see him for Easter, Father's Day or Mother's Day.
Life as a blended family is rarely dull. Lessons abound on how to behave in a civil fashion and how to compromise. Whether or not our kids see this or feel they are missing out by bouncing between two homes regardless of the holiday status, it's hard to say. In some instances, I think they don't know any differently - they've been doing this crazy schedule for so long, it is their norm.
But I imagine there is a point when they see leaving their 'regular' family to go visit their 'other' family as out of the ordinary. Especially now that we have a baby of our own, one who will not be bouncing out for the weekends or holidays, one who is able to stay with mom & dad at home. And I wonder when my baby will ask why HE doesn't get to go away for the weekends like his brothers?
My ex-husband and I share our son so I could relate to your article. My family lives nearby but his family lives out of state so I find that makes things a little easier at the major holidays. However, days like Father's Day are difficult because he should see his Dad but then my Dad (the Grandpa) wants some time on this day too. You see, I am the custodial parent and my ex barely sees our son (he's basically Saturday Daddy)so he doesn't really follow the visitation schedule. My son is only 3 so it's ok for now but as he gets older, I'm sure I will need to enforce a more set schedule so that he knows when he can count on seeing his Dad.
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