As a stepparent, you will probably go through many times of feeling resentment toward your stepchild's biological parent. Depending on your unique situation, you may feel used or may just feel angry when you watch your stepchild's disappointment at being let down yet again by their mom/dad. Such strong feelings really make it hard to contain the resentment. Step parenting is a hard job, but feeling used, undervalued and completely unappreciated makes it a thousand times harder! Living with resentment and keeping it away from the kids is NOT an easy task!
Here's my own take on resenting the biological, non-custodial parent and how I deal with it.
My stepson went back to school yesterday and I, for one, am greatly relieved! His mother took us to court out of the blue about 18 months ago seeking full custody (we still owe over $400 to the attorney!), but rather than getting full custody, she was was instead given more time during the summer. She went from getting every single Saturday overnight to getting every other week from Saturday through Wednesday during the summer months.
Over the 12ish weeks of summer, care to know how many of those were actually spent with her son on the new schedule? Two. Two. That's it. Other than that, it wasn't convenient for her. Free babysitting from me was the preferred method of child care this summer. As usual.
So I'm feeling a tad bit resentful these days. Most of this resentment stems from the fact that my desire to watch him was never once considered - not by the biomom and, often, not by my husband. When biomom told my husband, "I can't find a babysitter and I have to work, so I can't get him", my husband would turn right around to ME and say, "She can't watch him, so he's coming home Sunday night." Now, mind you, I am already home with my own 9 year old son and my 2 year old son. I work from home. I also have a 17 year old exchange student with us. Adding another body to the mix is usually welcome as that provides entertainment and diversion for the rest. So that's not my problem. My problem is in the assumption that it was no problem or that there was no need to simply ASK me or pretend like I had a say in the matter.
Then factor in the resentment I feel toward her for not spending as much time with her child as possible. How deeply does this hurt him? How rejected does he feel when he was planning to be there until Wednesday or looking forward to the summer schedule only to be pushed away by her?
I'm sure I'm not alone in feeling like the "Dumping Ground for the Children of Dysfunctional BioParents Who Don't Care". The trick, I've found, is in ensuring this resentment doesn't seep out of my thoughs & emotions and onto my stepson. A tricky skill to be sure. Especially when he looks JUST like his biomom. It's so easy to transfer the icky feelings of dislike and resentment I feel for her onto him. So I pray. And I recognize the signs of doing this false projection & quickly take steps to reel myself in. And I blog :) And I reach out to support groups. And I declare, "Group walk!" wherein we all head to the great outdoors and burn energy. I also send him to his room when he starts seeking negative attention so that I can keep myself calm and allow him a safe space where there is no worry about me giving in to his antics by giving him a tremendous amount of negative attention.
If you're in a similar situation, I guess I'd like you to know that it's normal to feel resentful. It also appears to be one of those "only human" things to project your feelings onto the child, given that we, as people, often seek for someone or something to *blame* for any given situation rather than simply accepting reality for what it is. It's easy to think, "If the child weren't here, I wouldn't have to deal with the biological parent." Of course we know that not all non-custsodial bio parents are this thoughtless (or at least we hope not!), but the only thing you can truly control in a bad situation is yourself. So allow yourself the time to feel the resentment, accept it as being a normal, human reaction to this type of situation and then find a way to move past it doing what works for you (in a healthy manner). Remember that your stepchild didn't choose this situation, either. Also remember that this will not last forever no matter how bad it feels right now. You will smile again, you will feel appreciated again, you will have many moments of positive to outweigh the negatives. You have every right to be resentful, but there is no reason you need to hold onto that emotion and let it drag you down!
Great article! I see the frustration my soon to be husband feels when my ex-husband lets our son down. Being a stepparent is a very difficult job. I wish there were more resources for it.
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