Discipline and Stepchildren

Written by Teresa McCloskey

Monday, 30 June 2008

Perhaps the most dreaded phrase uttered by a stepchild, dealing with the "You're not my parent" card can be tough. Being prepared well in advance can help save your relationship with your stepchild and even help improve it!

The role of a stepparent is tough. Undeniably tough. Especially when you are expected to act as a parent day after day - you cook the meals, you wash the laundry, you remember medications and doctor's appointments, you schedule dentist and eye doctor visits - you are probably more of a parent than some biological parents!

But when it comes to discipline, somehow you lose all rights to be a parent. And when your stepchild calls you on it - basically telling you that you have no authority over them because you did not give birth to them - well, to say the least, it hurts.

If you are in charge of your stepchild in the role of parent much of the time, it is almost inevitable that the child will make a mistake (or be blatantly defiant of all authority, consciously choosing to go against known rules). You might be the only one present to "catch" the child. Or perhaps you're the one the school calls to report a behavior. Depending on your unique situation, it might simply be that you are expected to do all of the household management in addition to dishing out consequences for misdeeds.

When this happens with your stepchild, what are you to do? Discipline your own biological children but ignore any misbehavior on the part of the stepchild? Allow the biological parent to administer consequences even if it means delaying by a day or two (or maybe a week or two)? Or should you tackle it yourself?

Taking matters into your own hands is a pretty common mom trait across the board. There's a reason we multi-task so well - we're capable of doing so and it's often inevitable. It's no wonder then that feeling the need to tackle consequences for a stepchild is the same as with our own - we realize the sooner, the better. We also know that we are parents most of the time and part of parenting is to first guide our children wisely and, if necessary, impose consequences when the kids are out of bounds.

But anyone who has attempted to impose a consequence on a stepchild has probably been confronted with at least one, if not all, of three possible scenarios

your stepchild hurled those horrible (but true) words at you, "You're not my parent!" in order to avoid the consequence
your spouse, parent of said child, resented you for punishing their child, or
your stepchild's other bio parent raised holy heck over you daring to discipline their kid (despite their absence).

It's a tough place to be, but one where stepparents often find themselves. So how do you effectively handle the situation without harming relationships? A few things you can do might help. First, discuss with your spouse WELL in advance of any issues arising what he/she recommends you do when their child acts up. Having a discipline plan firmly in place - something applicable to ALL of the children in the family regardless of their biological composition - a plan which is enforced consistently, is of primary importance.

If your spouse's ex (parent of your stepchild) is available and/or willing to work with you on this aspect of parenting, that is a huge added bonus! Unfortunately, most bioparents do not want anyone else enforcing consequences on their child as a reflexive response, so unless you are super blessed with a reasonable, rational, intelligent ex, this probably will not happen.

Once all adults have reached consensus on what to do and when, bring it to the kids. ALL of the kids in the family (even if they're only there part-time) should be included in the discussion about house rules, expectations and possible consequences. A unified front from the adults will help convey the seriousness of the rules.

Finally, when a rule is broken, it is important that the consequences previously established be applied immediately. No discussion. No leeway. No negotiations. (Part of the rules can be 3 strikes and then you're out as a means to allow some leniency)

The only other piece of this complex puzzle is that every action you take with your stepchild - and with your own children - is that it needs to be done with loving intent. If you are reacting from a place of anger or resentment, you are not being fair. If, however, you approach it with love because you are genuinely sad that they chose to break a rule but you love them enough to ensure they have firm, loving structure, they will sense the difference.

If you are angry and reactive, they'll surely know that, too, and mirror it right back at you. Yes, they will be upset at receiving a consequence, but as long as you are being genuinely loving about enforcing it, they will carry that with them and appreciate it as time goes by.

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