I remember sitting at a restaurant with my husband and overhearing a screaming child. I also remember, back before I had a child, how I jokingly said to my husband "If that were me, I'd beat the living crap out of my child". I used to joke about my so-called 'hit first, ask questions later' rule with my friends and it always brought about some laughter. Was I kidding back then? Probably not, because back then I was talking purely out of ignorance, and a little experience.
As a child I was hit a few times by my parents, but that was all I needed to be set straight. Then they mastered the art of "the look". The "look" was that certain facial expression where they widened their eyes and tilted their head in just the right position that somehow spiritually said "Don't even think about disappointing me". All I needed was that "look", and their perfect child I became.
I never baby sat children or spent years understanding children's behavior, so their bad behavior naturally fit in with the rest. Being single, children were not a priority to me. Success was my priority. Success and love. When it came to children, I naturally thought that they all needed a good spankin' to keep the peace in a household. I remember saying "oh,no...I'm not putting up with that crap" referring to a child who was fussing about refusing to sit in a high chair and watching the parent remain calm. Then I had my baby, and everything I said was thrown out the door.
Something happened to me after giving birth. My eyes received a clarity and my understanding became updated automatically once my baby was put into my arms for the 1st time. I realized over the course of my 1st year with my baby that that's what she is - a baby. And to imagine spanking this child? Never. Well, of course you don't spank an infant. I should hope no one ever does. It's the years ahead...the toddler years. Those are the years where I've heard the worst is brought out of the parent.
I recently read an article about a Florida woman who brought her two year old girl to a local car wash. She didn't bring her daughter to the car wash to show her how cars are washed, or to get her own car washed even. She brought her two year old daughter to the car wash to spray her with the power washing spray. It was caught on video. Google it. You'll find it.
She later says that she loves her daughter and didn't put the level of the water flow to the high pressure side, but wanted to teach her daughter a lesson for having a tantrum. She was going to teach her daughter what respect meant. I'm still sick to my stomach about the act itself. Imagine that girl. To me, she is two years fresh into the world. So many things are changing in her mind, body and spirit and the one person that was chosen to be her mother shoves a water spray into her face and body over and over again. All because the little child unknowingly brought out the worst of her mother.
Hitting and abusing a child is a tough topic to discuss on any message board, I have seen, because we come across so many parents that see nothing wrong in swatting, spanking, beating or any other word that describes a physical act inflicting pain or harm that is used to teach their child what right and wrong is. Since this is my opinion, I'm stating purely what I feel and I can only hope there are more mothers and fathers out there that agree or want to try to change their behavior.
I'm writing this to parents that wonder how other parents rear their kids without having to spank them. I know there will be disagreements but all I ask is that you try with every cell in your body. Just give it a try and see the results. I now look back to the woman I was before having a baby. The 'hit-first-and-ask-questions-later' gal. I can't believe that was me!
If you look at the big picture, your child is new to everything, and learns from the environment that surrounds him or her. They come to us completely helpless, and depend on us to direct them to the right place or, if anything, to help get them back into the game of Life when Life calls a foul play. Children, in my opinion, are fresh and pure beings that came from G-d's Home.
They come here having to learn a new language, structure, and foundation. Their eyes are new to everything, and parents have had over 20 years experience (give or take some years) to have forgotten that they, too, were in that same place. Some remember their childhood and want to relive it through their child, others never want to relive that time in their lives, and still others want to improve on what they experienced. Still we hear so many stories in the news of pure parental selfishness put upon a child that has no idea how to live life as an adult, yet is expected to act as if they have been here for the same amount of years as their parents.
My daughter has entered her 'terrible twos' early. When I tell people that, I hear "ooohh boy" or "ohhhh no! I remember those days" or even a little wicked laughter from a parent that has been there and done that. I understand, however, that that is the time in a child's life where they are learning, growing and testing the parents. I learned to change my perception from 'irritating child' to a healthy child that is doing exactly what she needs to. It seems many parents who think it's okay to hit their children have been hit themselves as children, so it is what they know that works. Maybe it's an easy remedy to put a child in place. I believe, though, that it is not the only way for discipline. You can break the "history repeats itself" spell with strong effort, lots of deep breaths and awareness of what is really going on.
Some examples I use for my toddler:
Strong, firm words
Sticking to what I say ('no' means 'no', even if they are the cutest baby in the world)
Distractions (if the child grabbed a pen, distract with something safer and remove the pen)
Tantrums, let them have one. When they see you get bent out of shape, they'll realize the tantrum gets your attention so they'll use it again and again. (Just keep them from injuring themselves or others)
Don't draw attention to bad habits (The more you draw attention on the bad the more they'll do. When you see a bad habit, find a better thing to have them do and focus on that as fun instead.)
Neutral reaction (When my daughter wants my attention she'll throw something to see my reaction. I don't get mad or smile. I simply bring her to the item that she threw and help her to pick up the item and put it back where it belongs- all with a neutral face.)
Repetition (You are teaching your child new good habits. Habits don't happen over night, so you will need to repeatedly say and do the same things to get your point. It's tough, but one day they will do exactly what you have painstakenly done over and over...all by themselves.)
Listen to what they are saying. They don't have all the words, but sometimes they are trying to tell you something. A toy could have fallen, their hand may be stuck in something, etc.
I know that children can be hard to work with, because saying "no" doesn't always register in their minds, but I believe that if they knew that what they did upset you, it would strike a chord in their little hearts. I believe that children want nothing more than to please their parents. Testing your patience is a great thing!
That shows you that your child is getting to learn where boundaries are with you and with them. It is telling you that your child's mind is working well, and that it is your turn to work harder to educate your child on where he stands and where you stand. It's hard work keeping a no-spanking zone, when they are doing everything to tempt your hand to take a swing but if you start a habit of spanking now, I believe many children will cater to it, push the level of tolerance to a new level and eventually become numb to it.
You may end up hitting harder, bringing out the ol' leather belt, or what have you. But then I ask you this: then what? Maybe you've successfully planted fear in your children's hearts. Maybe you like having that type of control. Or maybe you haven't seen your child respond to the beatings and you are just worn out. At the end of the day, was all that really necessary? Maybe in some homes you feel it is...but what if there was a home just like yours with the same number of children, and no beatings ever took place? Wouldn't you want to know what that family does? Or would you simply diagnose them as "lucky"? I'd want to know.
I know I have more years to come with my daughter, but so far my home has been filled with love and understanding, as well as a lot of challenges that were met without that good ol' spanking that I was so sure to give. I really believe we need to think about how we respond to them that will determine how long these moments will fester.
I can't answer all issues of spanking but I at least can tell you that I have realized over the past two years how my words, firmness, actions, reactions and facial expressions have already created a foundation of what is right and wrong for my child. If you start early, the foundation built in the beginning will be strong for the future bumps in the road. If there are any parents that do not believe in spanking, and have more helpful words or ideas, please feel free to comment so we can help others.
I can only hope my words reach parents that want to try to do the same and give "sparing the rod" a chance. Good luck!
Thank you for this! We are a non-spanking family, though we were both raised in spanking homes. Hitting is something I teach my children to never do, and something I refuse to do myself.
There are several places in your article where you seem to equate spanking with abuse. Such as "we come across so many parents that see nothing wrong in swatting, spanking, beating or any other word that describes a physical act inflicting pain or harm that is used to teach their child what right and wrong is." So in your opinion, are all spankings synonymous with abuse? You seem to be painting with a pretty wide brush. I understand this is an inflammatory topic. But you chose it. )
There are certainly many millions of parents who enjoy a close, loving relationship with their children who have chosen spanking (without anger) as one of their methods of discipline. I believe it is important to say this, for many mamas and papas go into parenting with stars in their eyes and vow never to spank. Then they are upset and disillusioned when they run out of options for keeping their child safe, especially as toddlers when the little loves have so little wisdom, and they ignore grownup logic! Some children will respond well to little verbal or facial nudges in the right direction. Others will barrel on irregardless. Both have their special gifts, and have to be treated individually.
Blessings to all you mamas as you navigate the tricky seas of parenting.
I understand your frustration. To answer your question regarding what my definition of spanking is in relation to abuse, I believe that there are different types of abuse and different levels. I know there is emotional abuse and there are some levels to it as well. For the purpose of keeping an article an article and not a novel I tried to paint with a wide brush, as you say, in hopes that some words could strike a thought in a parent that would like to try a different way, or encourange one that is going through tough times daily. Hey, if the Super Nanny can do it, it's worth a try in all homes... that's all I can say. At the end of the day, it's all up to the parent and the child to find peace and move forward. All the best to you and yours!
I appreciate your response, Anita. We can certainly agree that any punishment done in anger is wrong, I think. Discipline should always be decided on carefully for growth and nurturing, I believe.
You didn't really answer my question about whether you think spanking is abuse, though. :-) Perhaps you would classify it as low level abuse then? I do think it is very sad that a couple non marking swats on the behind is classified as abuse in many circles, but complete manipulation by means of guilt or bribery is perfectly socially acceptable. Not saying you said anything of the sort, just saying it is ironic the world we live in.
Do I think spanking is abuse? Hmmmm....it's a hard question to answer but I'll lean toward 'yes', because I think it's just unnecessary for me. I know it's hard for many parents to hear that and I'm sure I have created enemies for my opinions. I think people generally believe that if a child is found to be hit over and over again, that is called abuse, but I have a different perspective. I believe that if there is another way to discipline outside of spanking and hitting that does work, even for the most "unruly children", then I'd rather pick that way. I KNOW it's not easy when buttons are pushed, but maybe that's the test we are given from the Man upstairs? What I do know is that, as my article started off, I never thought hitting was a problem and I expected myself to be a parent that used that method to discipline. I've simply realized that I didn't have to and wanted to share a few nuggets of my experiences to those that were open to give it a try. I certainly won't be picketing in front of a house that chooses to spank as a form of discipline, I just offer the thought of trying not to.
Honestly, if there are people that haven't watched the Super Nanny show, I beg them to. In the end of most shows she shows us that the problems with the misbehaving children stemmed from the behavior of the parents. She's got something there. I watched that show so much to see if the next one will 'get' her, but she still changes that home into a peaceful one!
I agree wholeheartedly with your thoughts of guilt and bribery. I guess it's just up to us to school our children to know better, so they are ready for the harder world we live in, huh? All the best
I agree with you on looking for other ways to discipline your child. It is, at times, difficult to remember we are the adults and in control of 'our' reactions but it can be done. I have two teenage sons that I adore. They are still frustrating.. just in a new way.
My father used a thick leather belt on my brothers and I, often. I don't remember it as loving discipline. It was abuse and I will never forget it.
I met a parent one afternoon at a preschool bus stop while waiting for my son. We chatted for a bit after they arrived. Her daughter kept interrupting her mom in order to tell her something, which her mom ignored. After the 3rd interruption the mom took her hand and smacked the girl across the face. Her daughter began crying hysterically. Aghast, I got up, took my son by the hand and headed for my car. Unbelievably, the mom loudly demanded that the child apologize 'to the lady' for what she had done. In total disbelief I looked back at the little girl, shook my head, and replied, "Honey, you didn't do anything wrong." All the way home I cried and tried to explain to my 4 year old son that the little girl didn't do anything to deserve that.
Just so you know, this family moved the next week. What she did was wrong on so many levels; it upsets me to this day to recall it.
Gosh that makes me sad to hear. All I can think is, if it were so easy for the mother slap her child then...in front of you and your child, while waiting for a school bus...(sigh) what levels of discipline are held in the house when the doors are closed? I once worked at a daycare center and witnessed how a teacher of 6 years, constantly screamed at all the 3 and 4 year olds, calling one child "a cry baby" and making the other children call this child a cry baby. This happened because he wet his pants from fear of her voice. Since my witnessing that, she was terminated from her position, and the poor child has since stopped wetting his pants. He's picked up by parents who snap and slap his face and his siblings faces for minor things (at least that was what I witnessed at the center). His poor environment appeared to be nothing more but screams, slaps and trouble. Not all parents know what goes on in day cares and schools, and children either don't know how to speak about it or choose not to tell because of fear. Parents, to me, should be the oasis and safety net for their children. What an outcome, and what will come of this child in his teen years and beyond? It's a hard world we live in and I truly believe it is up to us as parents to help our children learn about patience, love and understanding. We are their only real role models in their formative years. Kudos to you for walking away from a bad situation and prayers to that child and parent for finding peace and good and warm love.
I have to admit, I get really riled up when people put "spanking," "swatting," "hitting," "smacking," and "beating" all in the same category. My folks used spanking as a last resort, which means that if there had been repeated disciplinary attempts all to no avail, we would be warned: "Do that again and you'll get a spanking." If we persisted in our BAD behaviour (not irritating or inconvenient) then we got an open-handed swat on the clothed backside and a march to our rooms, followed by a long talk about what happened and how to avoid it in future. No closed fists. No spanking in anger. No belts or sticks. No face or head contact. Nothing that would even leave the beginning of a hint of a red mark, never mind a bruise or welt.
I probably got half-a-dozen spankings in my entire life -if that!- and went out of my way to earn every single one of them. Thanks, Mom.
I've been on the spanking side of parenting and have moved a full 180 to gentle discipline (non-spanking). I firmly believe all spanking to be abusive as all spankings are done to show the child that they are helpless/powerless and the parent is 'in charge' (bigger, stronger) - the essence of bullying. Even if a spanking is given as a previously stated consequence, the spanking itself is still only sending the message that the child is helpless. I'm pretty sure it conveys that the child is worthless. And it's 99% of the time done by the parent as a "last resort" or "final straw" - basically saying that the parent has NO other choice than to physically cause pain on the child for daring to... make a choice the parent doesn't feel comfortable with?
No, no matter how it's phrased or what self-deluding lies a parent tells themselves, spanking is bullying and is abusive.
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