Getting Ready for Motherhood, Part Two: Changes in Your Post-Baby Relationship

Some couples get a puppy before they have their first child so they can get an idea of what it will be like to have someone completely dependent on them and to see how they will manage the demands of parenthood. This is actually a very good idea, although obviously having a puppy isn't exactly the same as having a baby. But it does prepare a couple for dealing with a 3rd "person" in their lives who makes demands on their attention.

Most couples expect their puppy to adapt to their lifestyle and add to their lives in a positive way. Yet they are surprised to discover just how much time and energy a puppy requires. Unlike an adult dog, a puppy needs care, attention, and affection just like a child. The couple must figure out who is going to clean up after the puppy, feed the puppy, visit the puppy during the day if both are working full-time, train the puppy, and make sure the puppy has exercise. Also, just like a baby, a puppy does not like to sleep alone at night and will whine to be brought into bed with you.

Couples have similar expectations when they bring home their first baby. They expect their new baby to adapt to their lifestyle, and to bring love and joy into their lives. There's no doubt that their baby will bring love and joy to their lives. But she will definitely not adapt to their lives. In fact, many couples are surprised at just how much they must adapt their lives to accommodate their baby's needs.

Caring for a puppy can be an excellent way to hone your parenting skills because there are similarities involved in caring for a baby. A puppy cannot be left on its own for too long. It needs affection, love, and attention, just like a baby does. You have to potty train it, feed it 3-4 times a day, walk it 2-3 times a day, make sure it has a bed to sleep in, and take it to the doctor. A baby, on the other hand, requires much more attention, affection, love, energy, and time. And this constant care and attention affects a couple's life and their relationship to each other. The more knowledgeable you are for the changes that can happen to your relationship once your baby arrives, the better prepared you will be for those changes.

Here are some changes you can expect once your baby comes home:

Expect a Decrease in Attention From Each Other

The very first change you can expect to occur in your relationship once you bring your baby home is a decrease in the amount of attention you receive from and give to each other. The attention that you used to have for each other will now be focused exclusively on your new baby. Newborns require so much attention, and are so cute, that it is difficult to keep your eyes, hands, and minds off of them. Not to mention the fact that you are probably both sleep deprived! This means there is less sex, less affection, less conversations, and less shared activities. Most of your activities will revolve around your baby, such as giving her a bath, taking her for a walk, showing her off at social gatherings, and trying to get her to sleep through the night. 

Be aware that there is less of the two of you to go around now that there is a demanding third member of your coupleship. But also know that this is a temporary situation and that eventually, as she begins to sleep longer and longer and doesn't require as much focused attention, you will be able to turn back towards each other. In the meantime, try little things to give your partner attention to let him or her know that you are thinking about them, like a peck on the lips, a smile, a hug, or a flower picked from the backyard. You may have to get creative but there are ways to show your partner that they're still important to you. 

Expect Your Conversations to Change

You will find that for the first couple of months all you can talk about is the baby. Your entire world will revolve around your newborn. Usually the husband or partner returns to work after taking some time off and his (or her) life will go back to normal. But if one parent decides to stay at home with the baby, his or her entire life will revolve around childcare and parenthood. This is normal and to be expected. All new parents go through this. Although you will probably never get bored talking about your baby, you may long for the lengthy and passionate discussions you used to have pre-parenthood, such as politics, the latest comic kicked off of "Last Comic Standing," or some juicy gossip your friend just shared with you.

One of the best ways to re-ignite the variety in your conversations is to get out of the house and into another environment. It is too easy to focus on the baby if you're at home. If you are in a different environment with other people there are more opportunities for a variety of topics to come up. And eventually, as your baby grows, although she will always be the main attraction in your lives, your lives will no longer completely revolve around her needs.

Expect Your Lifestyle to Change Completely

It is nearly impossible to make your baby adapt to your lifestyle. Your adult lifestyle of eating three times a day and sleeping only at night clashes with a newborn's lifestyle of eating every 2-3 hours and sleeping 4-5 times a day.

It is safe to say that your lifestyle as a couple will never be the same again. For example, you will no longer be able to do all nighters at the dance club, or eat out at a restaurant every week, or take in the latest movie. This is because you are no longer a couple. You are a family. You have another person to take into account when making plans, making decisions, and going about your daily lives. Adjusting to your new lifestyle as parents will be difficult at first, but it will get easier as your baby grows and her needs become less immediate.

However, just because your lifestyle changes doesn't mean it has to completely end. Having a reliable babysitter will be key to being able to do some of the things you used to do as a couple. Getting back some aspects of your adult lifestyle can give you a fresh perspective and re-invigorate your mental and emotional reserves.

It is important to realize that changes will happen in your coupleship, but not to be alarmed by them. Do what you can and remember that "this too shall pass." Your baby will grow, and as she does so she will be able to stay awake longer, sleep longer through the night, and eat at regular times. So, enjoy your time with your baby, stay connected in little ways, find a good baby sitter, and hold on for the most wonderful (albeit exhausting) ride of your life!