Since deciding to go back to work in August instead of September, Shaun
& I have started talking about what kind of childcare services
we'll need to fit our lifestyle (considering we have one car, Shaun
works in Gatineau, Quebec and I work really close to our house, both
of us have deadline oriented jobs & we're both required to do
overtime when necessary). Do we get a nanny? Do we utilized a school? Do we place Liam in a Home Daycare? I've started doing some research and it's
making me so depressed I can't keep looking.
I just can't imagine having to PAY someone else to look after Liam when
it's all I want to do. If we could afford to have me stay home I don't
think I would work again until he was in public school. His childhood is just
so short & I love every minute of being with him...
but this
is the kicker: it is so HARD being a caregiver.
I've taken 6 years of
school (College & University combined), helped start up two magazines, worked
for three competing businesses in the IT staffing industry, helped to
manage the deadlines & content for numerous multi-million dollar
proposals ... & yet, that's childsplay (pun intented) compared to
how difficult raising a child really is.
Being a mom is hands-down the
hardest job I've ever had, its more work than my BA & it leaves me
exhausted every night so that I barely make it to bed before I pass out
cold (funny how I used to pass out from too many cocktails... times
sure have changed)
My point is this: even though being a parent
or caregiver is the HARDEST job in the whole world, I wouldn't change
it for anything & if I could afford to stay home, I would. in a
heartbeat.
I know how lucky I am to be a Canadian, how blessed I am to have had this time at home with him & up to a year if we want to take it. But...
Liam I hope you will someday understand how much I
love you and how hard it is for mommy to think about paying someone
else to get to kiss your boo-boos, cuddle you before naps, teach you
new tricks & help you grow up into the amazing little boy I know
you'll become. It honestly breaks my heart.
I read this because I recognized in your title a sentence I said often when I was returning to work. The thought of having to pay someone to take care of my precious boy, who I would pay to be WITH, felt very depressing. But I'll say this -- almost a year later, and having found a good situation (we nanny share with a neighbor) -- I truly feel that it's not depressing at all. My son really enjoys having multiple adults in his life -- mom, dad and Jen -- and he is happy to see each of us. As an adult, I don't rely on the love and affection of just one person, and I've come to think that might not be natural for little folks either (or lots of arrangements can be natural). I wish you the best in finding balance. It's so very very hard, but you may find that your feelings about it change over time. And if not, opportunities to stay home might arise.
Mom Types 
Thanks for the info I'll add it.
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