Married With Stepkids

When I was a blushing bride nearly five years ago, I was full of hope and optimism. I was marrying a gorgeous, sexy man who thought I was the bee's knees, and I was also getting a five year old little girl who I knew would one day grow to worship me and together we'd share secrets while doing each other's hair. If only I knew then what I know now.

If you've ever trolled the stepparenting message boards on parenting websites, you'll find that being a stepmom is fraught with danger: drama with the stepkid's mom, arguments over parenting styles with your husband, and, of course, the inevitable and often teary declaration of "you're not my mother!" I've discovered that stepparenthood, while it has its rewards, is also a constant state of checks and balances. It will make you question everything you thought you knew about parenting, but it can also be extremely rewarding, as long as you're willing to wait for that reward and handle the following potential pitfalls:

• The ex. It doesn't matter why she and DH are no longer together. You may think she's the next Mother Theresa or you may think she's Satan. It doesn't matter. The fact is that she's always going to be a part of your relationship, whether you like it or not. She's going to do things you don't always agree with and she may talk badly about you, but unless she's doing something truly horrible that's jeopardizing your stepkid's way of life, you will have to get over yourself and find a way to work with her. Regular communication is a must.
• Visitation. Whatever your arrangement is, always be happy to see your stepkid, no matter what, which is not always easy, depending on your relationship with your stepkid and his/her mom. Be flexible and gracious. Pick up and drop off your stepkid at the appointed time with a hug and a smile.
• Involvement. Encourage your husband to be as involved as possible with your stepkid. Help him to take part in school events and keep on top of what's going on in your stepkid's life.
• Communication. Avoid drama with the bio-mom whenever possible. If I have an issue with the bio-mom, I tend to talk to Hubs and let him deal with the bio-mom. As much as I hate to say it, this is his kid with his ex, and he will convey my thoughts to her, but it is ultimately their decision how to raise their child. 
• Guilt. This is truly the third person in your relationship. Sad, but true, your husband becomes a different man when your stepkid is with you. My Hubs tends to parent out of guilt because he only sees my stepdaughter on the weekends, so he tends not to be consistent with discipline and he gives her (she's 10) more leeway than he gives our 3 year old.
• Awkwardness. I try hard to put myself in my stepadaughter's place. It has to be very stressful for her to go back and forth between two houses, four parents, and two little siblings. Eight years ago, she was an only child and none of this was an issue. I'm sure she has wondered at some point how this became her life.
• Workload. The hardest thing for me to deal with as a stepmom has been the change in workload when my stepdaughter is with us. On the weekends, the cooking, cleaning, and laundry doubles and my husband is barely available because he's catching up on time with her. I do sometimes resent that, but I would never begrudge him that time and try to set aside my personal feelings.

Being a stepmom is not easy and I would never tell someone to go into it without knowing exactly what they're getting into. However, despite the drama and occasional hurt feelings, it is worth it. My stepdaughter may not always believe it, but the only steps in our house are the ones leading upstairs to the bedrooms and I always make a point of introducing both her and her sister as "our daughters." 

  Photo credit: Stock.xchng