Just because your kids are through with higher education doesn't mean they're through with YOU. Do you have a boomerang baby?
As the mother of two post-college-age "children," I'd like to share some good news and not-so-good-news. Of course, this all depends on your perspective and attitude, mind you.
They may leave home, but sometimes they come back. That's the good news AND bad news.
As we all learn, life is very, complicated. Not to mention unpredictable, unfair (as kids will tell you when they're little) and scary. And sometimes circumstances prevent dreams from coming true right away. As we all have learned, right?
For instance, after graduating from college a few years ago, my daughter bravely left New York for California to find her path in the wonderful world of communications, film, television, or as we call it: The Whole Big.
She worked on television shows, was part of movie productions and proved her moxie over and over, despite set-backs and disappointments. And now she's decided to make another move to an easier-going, less-aggressive city. After all, she's been a New Yorker and thoroughly familiar with the craziness and wonderfulness (is that a word?) of that wacko place.
And now she's had her fill of LA, a similarly wacko place to live, she's bravely trying out a new path. And we are her biggest cheerleaders because she's exploring the world, on her own terms. Isn't that what we want for all our kids? Self-reliance, fortitude and bravery in the face of terrifying new challenges? Of course.
And my son, also an East Coast drop-out, is on the precipice of an amazing career, which has had to be postponed because of a health situation. And that health situation has led this creatively brilliant twenty-something back home.
A home which he has never lived in before now, because my husband and I recently moved to Tucson for too many reasons to go into here.
So how do you deal with the boomerang effect?
Very, very carefully. Because you're navigating a mine-field and you'd best step lightly. When your grown child returns home, for whatever reason, parameters must be drawn up and respected.
This isn't your baby coming home from high school. This is a real grown-up who has been forced back into the nest. Maybe because of financial reasons, health reasons or who-knows what reasons.
Boundaries must be respected. Boundaries must be respected. Boundaries must be respected.
Yes, I repeated that 3 times because it is essential for a healthy relationship.
Don't be a nudge, don't fall back into the "mommy" routine and don't ask too many questions. Just listen, use compassion and withhold judgment at all times.
Reassure your boomeranger that this too, will pass and soon he will be out on his own once again, soaring to the heights he dreams off. And once he does, and if you have respected his boundaries (repeat to self twice more) he will WANT to return. For a visit.
And to remininisce about the time he had to come home to a strange place, feeling sad and displaced. And how wonderful it is that that period in his life is finally over and he is truly, finally, on his own.
I enjoyed reading this article because
your insight and sensitivity is encouraging. I arrived back at Mom's in my late 40's. It's not an easy pathway for family to travel. Could you possibly make an apartment for her? That way she could sleep anywhere she chose because she would not be in your living room but in her own. Oh, and you could charge her rent.
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