Suggestions for supporting friends who have lost a baby due to stillbirth, prenatal death, or loss in the first year.
As a mom whose daughter was stillborn at 36 weeks, I know that there are a LOT of things that people say in the weeks and months (and years) after that are mean and hurtful. I know that most of them don't mean for them to be hurtful, but they are. I also know that there are a lot of friends and family members who are at a loss for what to do for their loved ones who are suffering this unimaginable loss.
Here I will share a few tips with all of you looking for ways to help your friends and family members get through this horribly difficult time. (These are things that worked for me. They are also my opinion, by no means a concrete rule as to what is/isn't the right way to do things.)
First, just be there to listen when they need you to listen. Don't bug them to talk unless they want to, and be there with them if they need you. Sometimes just having the company of another person, and commenting on stupid and benign things helps to make life seem a little more normal.
Second, refrain from saying things like:
- "It is for the best."
-"There was probably something wrong."
-"They are better with God."
-"It's not like it was a real baby."
These are meant to be comforting, but in fact are not. They are great ways to enrage a grieving mother. No mother will ever feel that her child/baby is better with God, no matter how sick, she will always feel that baby would have been better with her.
Third, understand that this was her child. Understand that this was a real baby. Understand that she feels responsible for the child's death. Mothers feel responsible for everything. Five years after Abby was stillborn and I still feel like somehow if I had done one thing different she would still be here. I know that is absurd, and not at all realistic, but still that is how I FEEL.
There are a lot of resources and great books out there for families and parents grieving the loss of a baby or infant. Some of them are for grandparents, some are for parents, some are for caregivers. Above all if you want to understand what is going on and help those you love through this difficult time you should check them out.
www.nationalshareoffice.com
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Christine O'Keeffe Lafser
Something Happened: A book for children and parents who have experienced pregnancy loss by Ann Douglas
An Empty Cradle, a Full Heart: Reflections for Mothers and Fathers After Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death
Faith, I had no idea. This is a wonderful post. The closest I have come to losing a baby was two ectopic pregnancies, but that was almost unbearable. To lose one at 36 weeks is a loss I cannot fathom. To me that tiny glop of cells was a baby. And I thought we might lose Bug shortly after his birth and I know how terrifying it was.
That said, I have sat and grieved with friends who have lost babies and there is nothing at all anyone can say to make it better. All I knew how to do was sit and be there to let them cry and hold them. I suppose that that's all one can do.
What a wonderful post. Thank you so much for sharing it with us.
I've had friends lose a baby before birth, after birth, and 6 months after an adoption. There's never a perfect word or sentence, and rarely an adequate one. The best you can do is offer a shoulder to cry and any help possible. Nothing ever feels like it's enough.
I like to refer to the "How to Help Someone Suffering from Loss" guidelines published by http://www.kara-grief.org/ on their home page. Good sound advice that will keep you from doing more harm than good.
Faith, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Babies are never supposed to die. It might not be any comfort to you, but please know that I'll be holding Abby in my heart and my thoughts.
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