I was a mom of a toddler in diapers, kindergartner, and a second grader. I was exhausted that morning, keeping up with my three and running my own successful business. I sat across the table from a relaxed mom of 4 teenage boys. We were doing business together that day. In the course of our conversation, I remember asking her if it was challenging having 4 teenage boys, expecting her to spill the real story of how tempestous it was for her and her husband.
She smiled and said, "No, no challenge at all." And, she was serious! I asked her what her secret to parenting was. She told me the following two things - two things that I have never forgotten now that I have three teens that I am raising.
Stay Connected
My friend explained that she and her husband talked to the boys about all kinds of things all the time. She said they all had lots of interesting things going on in their lives and they just always shared with each other. They started when the boys were young. Her and her husband talked to the boys often about everything the boys were involved in - who their friends were - whatever was going on in the boys' lives.
Do things with them often
Her boys were active in lots of sports and physical activities. Her husband was pretty physically active also and stayed really involved with whatever the boys were doing. As parents they just naturally remained connected with whatever their boys were doing. And, she and her husband planned their own lives around doing things with their boys. They remained conscientious about not getting so absorbed in their own adult world that it seemed like they had no interest or time for their boys.
The next two tidbits of advice I heard while listening to Victoria Osteen on television.
Smile at them often - for no reason at all
Victoria told how she and Joel decided when the kids were young to smile at them often - for no reason - just lots of smiles. She said her kids and her can be seen flashing each other a big cheesy grin many times through out the day...just because. She told how this beautiful action of endearment really set acontinuous positive tone in their home now that her kids are older.
Tell them you love them often - yep, for no reason at all
This parenting tip was a hint from Victoria Osteen also. She talked about how important family was, and who would be there for you if your family would not. She especially emphasized to communicate love whether the child or family member actually "deserved it".
As my kids move from elementary school age to middle and high school, I can say that I have put these 4 precious jewels of advice into action and have seen a smile or a hug quiet a hormonal teen into a pleasant human being.
It's as if my children are magnetized by my genuine love and interest that I have for them. So far, so good!
I'm a 40-something single, work at home mom raising three teens. I'd love it if you'd leave a comment. What's your parenting story; what is working for you? You can find me here and here to find out what I do as a WAHM.
Aditi Deo
- A couple more things that worked for me...
|58.68.114.xxx
|2008-09-24 04:38:33
This advice is absolutely true and I hope more parents start using it.
I also found my own tools quite by accident. 1 - To always be there to really listen to them and especially during a crisis to listen to their side of the story and give them the benefit of doubt. This has installed such tremendous trust in my kids, they know that no matter what happens, I will at least listen to their story before I make a judgment.
2 - [b]To give them ample encouragement[b]When children are applauded for the unique things they do, even if it something as inane as sneezing silently, they find a positive identity and confidence in themselves. My daughters rarely ever find the need to conform to peer pressure, simply because they have been frequently shown encouragement to nurture their individual qualities (one paints, the other dances), recognize early in life what keeps them most happy most of the time and to pursue that activity with zeal. Even if it is watching TV and eating - we can turn it around and teach them how to learn from TV and how to cook all the different things they like to eat.
As a parent I've found that the most wonderful tool you can develop for yourself is to the ability to turn things around for your children and make it positive!!!
Having children is a blessing and every moment you spend with them is an opportunity to teach, and also learn!
You made some really good points. I really work on listening to their side. I find that even though another adult may be involved my kids are more forthcoming if they know I will stand up for them - yet without letting them off the hook.
"Having children is a blessing and every moment you spend with them is an opportunity to teach, and also learn!"
This is sooo true! Someone just told me the other day "I hate teenagers! I even hated my own." I hate to say it but knowing her kids - that was obvious. How sad, for them and her.
Thanks for the comment!
Melody
Michael Baessler
- Good advice
|204.180.66.xxx
|2008-09-24 05:55:17
I agree with what you've written here. My kids are only 4 and 6 right now, but my wife and I are certain to tell our children how much we love them all the time. We also are interested in them as people and ask how their day was, etc.
I like the idea of smiling more often. I'll have to do that.
Don't wait until they're teens. By then they'll tune you out.
Way to go, Dad!
Melody
Lynette Patterson
- Life Coach
|68.34.201.xxx
|2008-09-24 10:42:12
As a mom of three boys, ages 12, 8 and 5, I wholeheartedly agree with these tips. And, I have a tip to add of my own.
Whenever I see my boys, I act as if I haven't seen them in ages. Big hugs. Big kisses. And, big exclamations of how much I missed them. It kind of goes along with the 'smiling more often' tip. And, it works.
I do the same thing - sometimes to the point of embarrassing them now that they're teens.
Now my 15 year old will hug me in public again - and he points it out "look ma, a hug in public!"
Thanks for sharing!
Melody
Adele
|71.62.225.xxx
|2008-09-24 11:27:28
Another thing I've found is that if kids do something wrong, but voluntarily come to you about it, moderate your response -- don't immediately become angry, even if it's something serious. If you blow up when they tell you they did something wrong, then the next time they will try to hide it rather than face your anger again. Don't avoid giving them consequences, but be calm. "That was a very bad thing, but thank you for being honest with me about it."
Sometimes I get angry and then come back later and make a bigger deal about their honesty. Kids are so forgiving if you've built a great relationship with them.
I appreciate you stopping to comment.
Melody
Jeri
- Owner
|69.255.127.xxx
|2008-09-24 11:57:11
Love your perspective and all the above comments.
I think you may have forgotten one important thing.
My kids are grown and this often shows in the "later years"
Even doing all the above, the single best parenting advice I can offer?
~Don't take it personally~especially when they start spreading their wings~
They all grow them & spread them, so the trick is to DUCK and don't let them hit you while they take off.
Remember, that's the idea of parenting...to help them grow strong so they can manage themselves ...not only to fly but to SOAR.
"They all grow them & spread them, so the trick is to DUCK and don't let them hit you while they take off.
Remember, that's the idea of parenting...to help them grow strong so they can manage themselves ...not
only to fly but to SOAR."
I'm ducking
Melody
rachel
- Hmm what a lovely idea but....
|81.158.67.xxx
|2008-09-24 12:40:51
the idea is perfect and something I reuelly believe in but not all children will allow you to enter into their world. I ask plenty of questions and show encouragment anf help towards my son but due to either his disabilities or his nature-he either says I don't want to talk about it or F**k off....my son is merely 10 years old.
It would be great to have a loving relationship with my son but we are not all blessed with socially accepted and well mannered children.
Disabilities can make a simple hello into a verbal storm of abuse but I totally agree that if more parents just listened and spoke kindly and encouraged their children to be themselves and be true to who they are then this world would be better.
I know it's true. And, what's so hard is that just when you've figured out your child's love language, someone comes along and give you well meaning advice that cuts to the core.
I have a friend with a child like you're describing. I would work hard to establish rappport with him and would sometimes make headway. But then have to start all over again if we hadn't seen each other in a while.
I bet you could write some wonderful tips for parents trying to discover how to love their disabled child.
Blessings & peace;
Melody
Rachel
|81.158.67.xxx
|2008-09-25 03:10:29
Thank you for the hugs-right now they are very much needed.
I agree with all of these points and with Adele (who talks about how to handle situations where the child has done something wrong)...we have used them all consistently in raising our three children, now a teen and two tweens. I will also add that there is a lot of humour used in our household also (spontaneous dancing/acting/joking/being ridiculous, etc). We have always taught our kids to laugh AT themselves and WITH others...not the other way around. As a result, we have three very funny children that are open to talking with us about anything.
I was a mom of a toddler in diapers, kindergartner, and a second grader. I was exhausted that morning, keeping up with my three and running my own successful business. I sat across the table from a relaxed mom of 4 teenage boys. We were doing business together that day. In the course of our conversation, I remember asking her if it was challenging having 4 teenage boys, expecting her to spill the real story of how tempestous it was for her and her husband.
